5 Things Never to Say to an Alcoholic (and 5 you should)

Addiction doesn’t just hurt the person in it, it confuses and overwhelms the people around them, too. But sometimes the things people say (trying to be supportive, funny, or helpful), land more like punches than encouragement.

Your alcoholic family member or friend probably already carries deep shame – not as an excuse, but as part of the cycle they’re stuck in.  Your words here matter deeply.

If someone in your life is recovering from alcohol addiction, or even just exploring sobriety, there are some things you should never say. Like, ever. Please.

Let’s break it down.

1. “Just have one drink, it won’t hurt.”

That’s not how this works.

That one drink is a grenade in disguise.

For someone with alcohol addiction, one drink is never just one drink. It's a gateway to relapse, shame, and spiralling consequences. Suggesting “just one” minimizes the daily fight they face and implies their hard-earned sobriety is negotiable.

It’s not.

Instead, supporting a loved one in recovery looks like:

“I respect your decision not to drink, what can I get you instead?”

2. “Are you sure you’re really an alcoholic?”

Let’s not gaslight someone’s recovery.

You don’t get to define what someone else’s rock bottom looks like. You don’t know their history, their triggers, their spiral, their mental state, or their why. If someone says they’re sober, believe them. Questioning it only makes them question themselves…. and that’s dangerous.

Try instead:

“Thanks for sharing that with me. I’m proud of you.”

3. “You were more fun when you drank.”

Ouch.

This one cuts deep. It tells someone they were more entertaining when they were self-destructing. That their presence is only valuable when it’s soaked in alcohol. That their current self - healing, present, vulnerable and raw – just isn’t enough.

That choosing to literally save their life is actually you know, a bit of a bore…..

Try instead:

“I love spending time with you.”

4. “Can’t you just drink in moderation?”

If we could, we would.

This one sounds like advice but feels like judgment. It assumes the person hasn’t already tried moderation 17 different ways, with 22 different rules, and failed every time. Most alcoholics didn’t want to quit entirely. They had to. Moderation is a dream that turned into a nightmare.

Try instead:

“I know this isn’t easy. I’m here for you.”

5. “You don’t look like an alcoholic.”

Addiction doesn’t have a ‘look’.

It wears yoga pants, and heels. It drives kids to school, and closes million-dollar deals. It smiles on beautifully curated Instagram feeds. The myth that alcoholics look a certain way is dangerous because it allows millions of people to stay sick in plain sight.

High-functioning alcoholics often go unnoticed... until it’s too late. And when we perpetuate the myth that alcoholism has to look a certain way, those struggling quietly often delay getting help because they think, “I’m not stumbling down the footpath” or “I don’t look the part.”

Try instead:

“You never have to prove your struggle to me.”

A Word for the People on the Sidelines

If you’re supporting a loved one in recovery, of if someone in your life is choosing sobriety, whether they’re in recovery or just exploring a sober lifestyle - they’re already doing something incredibly brave.

You don’t need to understand every part of their journey to be supportive. (In fact unless you’ve walked this journey you will understand very little, and that's ok).

You just need to show up, listen more than you speak, and stop saying the things that keep people stuck or shut down.

Because the words we use matter. They can be lifelines… or landmines.